“You should have known better. There’s no excuses for ‘I didn’t know’. You should know how to be perfect.”
Obviously voices from the past, my mother in particular, who was abusive in many ways, including her daily interrogations. It left me feeling that I had to know everything. The basis of my “need to know” beliefs that I hold deep down. I have to be perfect and make no mistakes.
It was uncomfortable to sit with the idea of this belief of unworthiness and imperfection here in the world, but I did so in meditation yesterday and again this morning. I thought about coffee and the caffeine kick that some of us believe that we need to get going in the morning. I, myself, don’t always drink coffee every morning but I know when I need help with a headache or I am feeling tired I will take that shot of caffeine.
So when I am feeling really tired of my littleness, that belief I hold of being insignificant and imperfect, I need to be open to that needed jolt from Holy Spirit that says, “Do you really want your littleness? Do you really want to hold on to this pain? And, more importantly, do you want it to continue?”
No, I don’t, Holy Spirit. It’s all in my attitude. I can change my attitude anytime. This attitude is not needed. It’s the monkey on my back.
And I did change my mind. It really is that simple. No more nursing and cradling the ego in my arms, but taking ownership of what is mine, the truth. Standing up and feeling proud of Who I really am.
It was the wake-up call that I needed to keep moving forward.
MiraclesOne – www.miraclesone.org
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