Last night Paul and I watched the Oscars and like many we enjoy seeing all the stars come out in their finest. As I continued to observe the proceedings, I became uncomfortable with the faux-feud Jimmy Kimmel exhibited with Matt Damon. Even though this was supposedly in jest, I still felt a slight disturbance.
This morning after my meditation, I returned to the reading from Ken Wapnick’s “The Healing Power of Kindness” I am using with the new Thursday class. As I read, I realized I had to look at my own anxiety, guilt, and fear. This not only goes for what I witnessed during the awards, but also before responding to anyone.
Some questions came to mind: What is my trigger? Why am I trolling? Why do I troll the trolls? Who am I choosing as my Teacher?
I wrote those on the page. When I used the word “trolling,” I took it in the moment as why am I persisting to judge in the moment. I can blame others for judging but am I the only one who is allowed to judge? Hmmm…
So I took this idea further. I know I have projected my own guilt. It is inevitable here in this world, however, I have the power of choice. As I observed Kimmel’s jesting, it caused me to think more within of the times I have done the same and admit that to myself. Honesty is the best policy. Sometimes I may have done this without even thinking, a sort of auto-pilot, but that does not excuse me and not the point here.
The point is I am not being conscious of my thoughts and words. I attack myself and other by doing so. And we know that attack is not loving.
But why did Kimmel’s jest of Damon bother me so? Was it just a joke and I was being too sensitive? Did I feel for Matt and felt slight anger towards Jimmy?
I have been on the receiving end of this… “torture” is the word that immediately came to mind. Interesting. I thought I could be harmed or hurt in any way so I project all of those feelings towards feeling sorry for Matt and seeing Jimmy as the victimizer. Anger towards my own victimizers. Anger towards myself, the ultimate victimizer.
Any anger I felt towards Jimmy, I had to ask, “What does this solve?” and “Is this kind to Jimmy, Matt or myself?”
Instead, it was all about me. It was my own so-called “victimhood” that I do not want to approach. What I remembered is that I need to be focused on my “own page” so to speak. It is my own fear, anxiety and anger over symbols upon symbols, “words” that proceeded to project my own guilt.
It may seem a small thing. But the small things can become bigger things if I/we are not self-aware. To question every value, every idea, every thought we hold is what A Course in Miracles is asking us to do. As I always say, it is not about the beauty of the words but the sincerity of the practice that welcomes peace in our lives.
I am always open to learning more about myself and Who I really am. I am ready to release the ideas that keep me in fear. Love is always with me.
P.S. If you are interested in our “Healing Power of Kindness” class, this week is the last week to sign up before the class is closed to new students. See information at this link.