In sharing how I was feeling, the one particularly annoying side effect was weight gain. Within the last year as I watched the weight increase and increase, my ego mind would judge it and deem it an awful outcome. It was not pleasant in the least and at times caused increased undesired symptoms.
Indeed, yet, my inspiration came as I worked
through these bodily ailments. I know that anything that the body insists upon is a huge distraction to my peace and to my joining with my Father. If I place my focus on the body that I am using it as my idol and my god. I did experience distractions from my walk with God each and every time the headaches or other aches, or sinus, or migraines or weight gain, or yada yada yada occurred. I should include the anger, the sadness and the desperation that I felt at times too. Even when I had decided to use the medication that fateful day in my doctor's office and was given the option of either the medication or going to town to the University of Wisconsin Medical Center for a Natural Alternative, that it did not matter which decision that I had made. Either was magic and either was helpful to what I was experiencing. What was important was that I had to take Holy Spirit with me in either direction that I had taken, and that I did.
When it came down to these last few weeks in weaning off and experiencing the truly uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms, I thought that perhaps I had chosen wrongly. Well, how that came about was when I shared with Paul about the two choices that day in the doctor's office last year. He became upset that I had not taken the so-called "natural" route. I had to remind him that it didn't matter, either way with Holy Spirit is correct. It is trying to fix it on my own is where I veer off of the path.
In the last two months of weaning, I had become fully dedicated to a vegan food plan, yoga and exericise , increased meditation. This was basically taking care of the mind, body and spirit. All of these I have done in the past, they were nothing really new, except now with a vigor and a sincere commitment. Did it matter too that I had achieved this? No not at all, this too did not matter as it is about healing the mind and NOT the body! What it came to was trusting the Holy Spirit, even if it may seem that I have taken a wrong turn or seem unhappy in different situations or experiences. There are no wrong turns; there is only journeying without Him and even in that I cannot do! He is always with me!
I did reinforce that "I am not a body, I am free. I am still as God created me." I also strengthen my time spent with the Holy Spirit. Is this truly not the desired outcome?
The last two weeks in particular have been spent in a dizzying spin, because part of the withdrawal is that of dizziness. It is very easy to judge this medication as evil and totally unacceptable to anyone who accepts it as part of an assistance, yet that would be for me to judge. Many people have been helped by it, yet, I experienced something different and I have the tools within to look at it all differently.
This I did.
I was guided to Lesson 38 – There is nothing my holiness cannot do. When the dizziness was at its peak the other day after a night of wretching and bowing to the porcelain god, I asked again for help and it was this I received. I focused on this lesson every 15 minutes as I set my meditation timer to chime out the reminders. As the day progressed of course I was feeling lighter and happier because I was focusing on truth and not on sickness. Where I place my focus, there I am.
This has been reminded to me time and time again: Kathy's passing a couple of weeks ago; this week's Thursday morning Practical Application class read The God of Sickness in the Text, Chapter 10, Section III; Thursday night's class, the reading we were guided to share on was also in the Text, Chapter 12, Section VII. Looking Within. Accidents, I think not. The way I facilitate our classes are not with a usual curriculum. We do have a theme (this 8 week session being Be As A Little Child) and a list of readings to support the theme, yet the weekly class itself is shared equally betwen us all, allowing Holy Spirit to decide what that session's lesson plan will bring.
All brought me so very much.
As T-12.VII.8:1 tells me, "When you want only love you will see nothing else." It is entirely up to me, the if and when, that piece is my decision.
No judgments, no criticisms, no self-punishment, just choose once again and in doing so, I choose peace and the Love of God.
August 14, 2010