Day 5 – I choose the joy of God instead of pain.
I find there is power in the words, “I choose.” What is it I choose or I have chosen in my life? I know for a time earlier on in my life I chose to be a victim of the world, of people (family and ex-spouses), of circumstances and my own thinking. It is not a happy life when we walk this path. I know it wasn’t for me.
I put up brick-solid walls in an effort to protect myself and receive a semblance of safety. It only kept me isolated from God’s Love and lasting peace. Of course, then, I was led by righteous anger, resentments, past hurts and slights, all these were my guide. What did it prove to serve? Only my own unhappiness and that unhappiness reached all of those in my life whether they realized it or not. I did not know then that these devices and defenses only led the way to pain. It was in fact my own crucifixion.
What good does it serve to always wear the “victim” tag? Poor me. Look at me. This is what was done to me. To only perhaps in defense, wield a false power with hatred and deceit and slay everyone with it. We’ve either done this ourselves or we know someone who has done or is doing this now. I do know someone who is doing this now. Difficult to watch, perhaps sad for this person, and sad for their children as the choice to still follow the power of revenge for almost a decade and a half.
I understand though. Because there was a time in my life when I was in that position. I can hold the strength of God for this person that they too will realize there is a way out of pain. There is a peace on the horizon when we drop the defenses.
For me, I had to acknowledge that it was my own thoughts that caused the pain. Yes, there are experiences that occurred that seemingly ripped out my heart. Yes, it hurt. Yet there was and is strength beyond measure within me when I turn my tears to God. Were my initial responses always appropriate? No. Can I choose again? Yes. Only my own ego mind instills the fear and keeps it in place. I give it permission to be there.
This morning on the treadmill, I was watching the Star Trek: Voyager episode entitled “The Thaw.” The crew find aliens mentally connected to a computer that has created a being that feeds on their fear. The intense fear is what killed two of the alien group already. We find that this “dark circus of fear” only exists in the minds of the alien group and soon a Star Trek crew member. It is the fear that keeps this terrifying world in place. The fear world is an illusion based on thoughts, specifically their joint thoughts. To the aliens and crew member, they feel powerless to release its grasp.
Captain Janeway asks the Hologram Doctor to enter. He does so and returns. Janeway asks him, “What is your opinion of “him,” Doctor?” The doctor replies, “Unstable, unpredictable, everything you expect from fear.”
As the story progresses, Captain Janeway’s hologram is placed into the fear world as the crew begin to shut down the central computer holding the stasis in place. With no living being left connected, the crew finish disabling the computer, leaving the clown frightful of the darkness as it engulfs him and the simulation of Janeway. The clown then disappears from existence.
When I offer no power to the fearful thoughts, the painful and hurtful thoughts, the thoughts that seem to control me, they disappear into nothingness. In this, I am choosing sanity. I am choosing God. I am choosing joy, love, peace and everything I truly ever wanted.
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Here is a clip from the episode. I recommend you watch the full episode on Netflix. It’s Season 2, Episode 23.